When I turned 15, my parents complained and nagged at my pubescent behaviour. Being 22 now, I realised that my attitude back then was not triggered by mood swings but rather a change in growth and what I wanted in life.
I was a trophy child, it made me happy to ‘do as I was told’ whatever my parents had asked me to, it also satisfied my pride as I was bragged and compared to peers and other parental figures who are in my life. Always being told ‘You’re a good girl when you stay at home often, unlike some other teens your age’ or ‘Your daughter is so good, always coming to the Sunday lunches with the parents’.
The title of being a good girl was an acknowledgment to my parents in a household where my younger sibling was put on a pedestal.
So, I agreed on whatever they asked me to do, whether it be put into scouts, playing piano, swim classes, etc. they always gave me a choice, but back then knowing how my parents were (Chinese parents who pushed you where they wanted you to go), I didn’t see a choice, instead I saw if I don’t do this, they’ll be mad. I have so many regrets of things I wished I had done instead of listening and agreeing to whatever my parents had to say, I wish I had stood my ground and protected myself.
I hated the aftermath of arguing with my parents, it doesn’t matter how right I was they would always pull-the-‘I birthed you, you don’t have the right to treat me that way’-card, and instead of feeling good about expressing — I was feeling defeated and even more irritated than before.
Over the years of being abroad, I’ve learned that the heart really does grow fonder and I’ve appreciated the distance and time apart from my parents — it made me grow and be grateful to just accept and move-on when it comes down to arguments. I’ve also accepted that I can’t and won’t be the trophy daughter I once was as it’s severely depleting my mental health. I’ve formed boundaries with myself, a comfort zone I now can’t fathom without.
my brother gave me a really good metaphor that describes my dad’s personality
“dad is like a bee (won’t attack unless provoked). when you have a bee hovering over your hand, you don’t slap it — that’s dangerous. you slowly calm down and move away. that’s the mindset.”
And so, I’ve really been embodying this mindset whenever I’m in a pickle with my dad, it really helps. He’s just an annoying bee, calm down and don’t push any buttons. — Thanks, Felix.
I’ve been doing the action-first-consequences-later type of method, in most cases this method would the last thing I’d want to do, but during the last semester of university made me realise that in all my 22 years — I’ve missed out on so much and I’ve never accomplished anything in full, I’ve never once did something I really wanted to do as I’d always get discouraged by my parents. And so, after having thought of getting a tattoo for the past 2 years, I did it! And boy, did it feel good. Truth to be told, I was terrified in letting my parents know. In previous arguments, my dad always threatened to kick me off the family register and won’t acknowledge me as his daughter if I permanently drew on my body. But ay, what he doesn’t know won’t kill him right?
That’s a lie. He knows, mum told him.
